091: 13 ways we’re making bedtime better
Sips & snacks, wind-down rituals & the brilliance/beauty of bigger beds
Welcome to Two Truths, a bestselling newsletter & media brand exploring the many truths of motherhood from journalists & maternal health advocates Cassie Shortsleeve & Kelsey Haywood Lucas of Motherspeak. Two Truths is rooted in the healing & affirming principle that two (or more) things can be true. It’s a “best parenting Substack” per Motherly and The Skimm says you should subscribe; also seen in Vox, The Bump, Popsugar & more.
Bedtime can be equal parts precious and precarious, ever teetering on the edge of collapse at any given moment. It’s quietly contentious, too: Is it the most sacred part of the day or just another thing parents have to do after a long day? Allow us to offer a reframe (you know where we’re going with this): What if it could be all the things?
After all, sometimes, bedtime is beautiful. You watch babies’ little eyelids close with one last little flutter of long lashes. Toddlers tell you sweet stories. Growing kids look little for just a moment in pajamas. Sometimes, it is chaotic: Wrestling in covers leaves someone hurt, toothbrushes and loveys are nowhere to be found, or homework is not done. It can be hilarious and heartwarming. It can end in tears (yours, theirs, everyone’s). Sometimes it just is.
We’re not ones for prescriptive parenting advice, but because everyone deserves sleep (and a little more ease and fun, too), we’re sharing what’s worked for us over the years around bedtime. Not to tell you what to do—but to help you notice what’s already working. To inspire a small shift if something isn’t. To boost your confidence, make you laugh, or simply remind you: We’re living these nights right alongside you.
And hopefully? This issue helps you find a little more connection with your littles, a little more time to yourself, and—again—a little more sleep.
—Cassie & Kelsey
12 ways we’re making bedtime better
ON BOOKS
1. We built in more time for books. Once upon a time, one or two short stories before bed kept my kids content—but lately, it became clear they wanted a lot more time for reading. Now, I encourage them to head upstairs earlier if they want “bonus book time,” where they can either read independently or together in bed (the 2-year-old loves to slowly flip through books and stare at the artwork; the 5-year-old either reads silently to herself or reads aloud to both of them). The idea can be applied to anything your kids enjoy that helps them calm down in the evening. —Kelsey
2. We brought back the classics. After my oldest started learning about Caldecott winners at school, I started looking around for classic children’s books, a la Make Way for Ducklings. Recently, we read Charlotte’s Web cover to cover over the course of a few nights. I enjoyed it more than our usual (more modern, brightly colored) bedtime books, especially the beyond-beautiful writing. Two of my daughters passed out a few moments in just after asking me to tell them if a “page with a picture came up.” —Cassie
ON BEDS
3. We have full-sized beds for the kids. I still remember the excitement of when my parents bought me a queen-sized bed for my room in high school. Last summer, when we added a tiny bedroom for my youngest and reimagined the kids’ bedrooms, we made the switch sooner, skipping straight from smaller beds to full-sized ones. We picked this dual-sided Saatva youth mattress with a built-in water-resistant cover for our girls and haven’t looked back. A bigger bed is certainly a bigger investment, but my girls will have these mattresses (which work for kids 3 to 12) for years (versus, say, a toddler bed that’ll last a few years max). Full-size beds grow with us and work for us: Big beds allow us all to lie together while reading books, and they open up a place for me or my husband to sleep if someone is sick or during middle-of-the-night bed Tetris. —C*
4. We also introduced a “big-kid bed” early for our son, and it revolutionized our nighttime routine. When it came to the crib-to-bed transition, my first child followed the standard flow: Once she outgrew her crib, we turned it into a “toddler bed,” and then eventually moved her into a twin bed. But now that I have two kids, I wanted to try something different with my son (who’s 2): He’s still using his crib, and we also brought in a full-size “big kid bed” for his room. This set-up has revolutionized our nighttime routine by allowing for so much fluidity in our sleeping arrangements. Here’s how we use it, and why we love it…
At naptime and bedtime, I stay in my son’s room with him until he falls asleep. Sometimes, he dozes off while I hold him in the rocking chair; but more often than not, we both climb into his bed and snuggle until he falls asleep. (This is more comfortable for me—and on nights when he’s having a hard time dozing off, it really helps to be able to lie next to him.)
Once my son falls asleep, he’ll either stay in his bed solo (common for daytime naps; we use bed bumpers to prevent him from rolling out) or I’ll move him into his crib (common for overnight sleep).
On nights when I’m putting both kids to sleep solo, the big bed is truly the MVP. In the past, I’d have to navigate the back-and-forth of getting two kids to sleep in two different rooms (a nightmare for us all, to be honest). Now, we all do bedtime together; after a few books, my 5-year-old falls asleep in the big bed while I’m in the rocking chair with the 2-year-old.
Sometimes I’ll move the 5-year-old into her own bed after she falls asleep; sometimes she’ll stay there the whole night, with the 2-year-old either next to her in bed or in his crib. Mornings when they wake up together are the cutest: I’ll hear them chatting on the baby monitor, and they’ll usually stay in bed and play or read books for a while before they come to “wake me up.” (Here’s how I use those spare minutes in the morning.)
Once we feel my son is ready to say goodbye to his crib for good, we’ll take it out of the room; but for now, he’s getting comfortable in both sleep spaces, which will help keep that eventual transition smooth. —K
ON TIMING
5. We go to bed early. Most evenings, I am in bed by 9 p.m., so it’s a rare night when my kids are up past 7:30 p.m. It’s kind of a non-negotiable in our family, and I try really hard to stick to it (with exceptions for special occasions, parties, or vacations, when all plans go out the window, of course). We all have something that just kind of works for us; for me, it’s this. You know what it is for you. Find it and stick to it. It’s gold. —C
6. We don’t stick to a strict schedule—instead, we read the *vibes* and act accordingly. While we generally try to have the kids doing their bedtime routine by 7:30, lots of other factors come up: Did the kids take late or extra long naps? Are we having a fun evening doing something special? If so, we’ll push bedtime back. (We were recently playing on the beach until almost 9 p.m., then got ice cream afterward—and it was magical.) On the other hand, if it’s been a long day/naps were sparse/the kids are fussy or tired, we’ll hit the hay way early. —K
ON SNACKS & SIPS
7. We do bedtime snacks. I won’t make two dinners, but I am here for the bedtime snacks. When my kids were smaller, the request for food right after the bedtime announcement would drive me nuts. Then I learned to plan around it. Now, I usually make something easy like apples and peanut butter, or they grab something within reach—fruit, cheese stick, yogurt—a few minutes before we go upstairs. —C
8. We wind down with a “sleepytime sip.” To maximize cozy vibes and get my kids excited about the transition to bedtime, they love a cup of cozy chamomile mixed with a little bit of milk and/or the tiniest sprinkle of lavender sugar. (This isn’t the first time I’ve used yummy beverages to make our schedule smoother, BTW (if you’re weaning, I highly recommend making a special breakfast drink—like a smoothie or frothed milk with a dash of cinnamon and honey—to replace a morning nursing session). —K
ON EXTRAS
9. We got a kids’ journal. My oldest is on her second copy of this journal. Filling it out together makes bedtime a longer process, and it also gives me a small window into her days at Kindergarten, helping me string together themes in her “good things that happened today.” —C
10. I rebranded bedtime as “pajama dance party” time. As a marketing person, I love a rebrand—especially when it comes to parenting strategies. When “bedtime” was too often eliciting groans and complaints from my kids, I knew we needed a different approach. Now, they run straight upstairs when it’s time to get ready for their dance party; then we blast their favorite tunes (the Trolls soundtrack is a favorite) and swing each other around the room. And, yes—I know that this, too, will eventually lose its allure…and when that happens, we’ll just try something else. —K
11. We talk about what we’re grateful for. Not every night, but most nights, when I remember, I ask my kids for a few things they’re thankful for from the day—what did they enjoy the most? What made that possible? What are they happy they have in their lives? I share too. It’s so cool to hear them talk about things like “the blue sky,” their friends, specific people in our family, and watch them start to put together, even at a young age, the special place that the people and things we love have in our hearts. —C
12. I remind them they’re always welcome in my bed. All other factors aside, I find this simple phrase is tremendously comforting to my kids when they’re being put to bed in a room of their own: The knowledge that proximity to parents is an option (should they need it or want it later on) helps them feel more safe and secure while drifting off to sleep. —K
13. I’ve let go of all expectations. My maternal grandmother had seven children; my paternal grandmother had nine. When putting my three kids to bed, they are often on my mind. How did they ever put my parents and all of their siblings to bed? A lot more is expected of and piled onto parents these days. In 1975, stay-at-home moms spent as much time with their kids as working moms do today. Plus, we’re parenting during unprecedented times of upheaval, instability, violence, and isolation. I put my kids to bed most nights. They’re fed, they’re safe, and they’re loved. I often feel stretched by three kids, especially as my own bedtime nears. But I know that I am doing my best. And so are my kids. That’s enough. —C
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✨ Thanks for reading & thank you for supporting this work (done between naps, after bedtimes, and before school pickups). Hit the heart button to tell us you enjoyed this issue, share it on social media (don’t forget to tag @twotruthsmotherhood on IG), or forward it to a friend. We appreciate you. —Cassie and Kelsey
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Resources and Support For Maternal Mental Health
Emergency assistance is available 24/7 at 911
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 988
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-TLC-MAMA or 1-833-852-6262) provides access to a trained counselor 24/7 and is available in Spanish and English
Postpartum Support International provides educational resources on PMADs, free support groups, webinars, advanced trainings for providers, and more
Postpartum Support International’s provider directory includes a list of thousands of trained professionals organized by state
The Motherhood Center offers counseling, support groups, and webinars
The Postpartum Stress Center offers educational resources, counseling, a referral list of trained providers, and advanced training for providers
SUPPORT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WITH POSTPARTUM SUPPORT INTERNATIONAL (PSI). PSI is a global champion for perinatal mental health that connects individuals and families to the resources and support needed to give them the strongest and healthiest start possible. Visit postpartum.net for information on perinatal mental health disorders, access to 30+ free, online support groups, an online provider directory, the PSI HelpLine, local support coordinators, a perinatal mental health discussion tool, specialized support resources, and more. Call the PSI HelpLine toll-free at 1-800-944-4773 for basic information, support, and resources. Support via text message is also available at 800-944-4773 (English) and 971-203-2773 (Español). Remember: You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.