092: Maternal desire: The missing element of mental health for mothers
This could be the most important aspect of familial well-being, says one perinatal therapist
Welcome to Two Truths, a bestselling newsletter & media brand exploring the many truths of motherhood from journalists & maternal health advocates Cassie Shortsleeve & Kelsey Haywood Lucas of Motherspeak. Two Truths is rooted in the healing & affirming principle that two (or more) things can be true. It’s a “best parenting Substack” per Motherly and The Skimm says you should subscribe; also seen in Vox, The Bump, Popsugar & more.
Over the years, I’ve interviewed many brilliant maternal mental health providers. Some are knee-deep in data, some speak with clinical precision, others carry the softness of lived experience. While most name the aches of motherhood, Toronto-based psychologist Tanya Cotler, Ph.D., listens to them—and she invites you to listen to them, too.
In a recent conversation with Cotler, she used a phrase I haven’t been able to shake: maternal desire.
It sounds abstract until you hear her explain it: Symptoms like anxiety and depression, she says, often arise from “the tension between what you want and the squashing of that.” To feel well, a mother must be allowed to want. To want deeply. Boldly. And without apology.
When discussing perinatal mental health conditions such as postpartum anxiety and depression—the leading complications of birth in the U.S.—most providers focus on a triad of proven and effective treatments: therapy, medication, and social support. Cotler suggests desire as a fourth.
Desire can feel like a slippery slope: selfish, frivolous, or simply out of reach—something meant for someone else, or another time. But Cotler argues it may be the missing piece in not just maternal, but familial, mental health.
In this week’s edition of Two Truths, with Cotler’s help, we dive deep into desire: what it is, why it matters, how to find it beneath the noise—and why reclaiming it may be the most powerful thing you do.
—Cassie
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Maternal desire: The missing element of mental health for mothers
What is maternal desire?
Desire is often discussed in relation to sexual longing—and while that can certainly be an aspect of desire, desire in the way Cotler is speaking of it goes far beyond that. Maternal desire is about reconnecting with your deep sense of self—who you are and who you want to become.
Maternal desire—which has roots in our own childhood experiences and is heavily clouded by society’s narrow view of what motherhood “should” look like—is complicated. It’s also extraordinarily simple. It’s the voice that asks: What do I want? Who am I?
In the research, terms like agency—a mother’s ability to make decisions and act on them in ways that affect her own and her children’s lives—come close to describing maternal desire, yet they also fall short. Desire is about meaning.
Everyone has a fire inside, says Cotler—things that make us feel alive, daydreams, or fantasies. “We want to become curious about those.” It’s just that doing so isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
How desire impacts maternal mental health
Whether or not you realize it, you’re constantly bombarded with messages about motherhood.
Cultural norms tell you what it means to be a “good” mother. Social media is full of experts offering advice. You're fed contradictory tales, too: Sacrifice, but stay whole; be present, but don’t lose yourself; give everything to your child, but maintain an identity.
On top of all that, most of us carry personal narratives shaped by our own pasts into motherhood. Some of us try to recreate our childhoods. Others try to do the opposite.
The common thread in all of this is that we’re too often guided by unconscious “shoulds,” not our own wants or desires. And the idea that you have to look outside of yourself to know what’s right or good, rather than trusting your instincts, can lead you to silence what you truly feel or need, Cotler explains. Symptoms such as anxiety and depression can be signs of buried desires or parts of yourself that are desperately trying to be heard—but aren’t getting what they need.
“There’s one identity that exists outside of your motherhood, and another that is your deep desire for the child that you have,” says Cotler. “They’re both meaningful and important.”
Of course, we’re not taught how to listen for desire. The good news is no matter the noise, your internal desire is still there. Here are some ways to resurface it.
Practice the ‘4R method’ in tricky parenting moments that put your desires in conflict with your child’s
Motherhood is too often seen as mother or child: We talk about maternal health or infant health, a mother’s wants or a child’s wants. We talk about mother mattering or baby mattering. The reality is that mother and child exist as a dyad—a group of two, says Cotler. “It’s not either/or. It’s always both/and. I would love to see a world where we can exist in between, in the messy middle.” When you feel your needs and your child’s clashing, use Cotler’s strategy below to make space for what occurs between you and your child.
Reflect: What is this situation bringing up in me—now and historically?
Recognize: What does my child want or need at this moment?
Rupture: What happens when my needs and theirs don’t align?
Repair: How do I maintain connection while holding a boundary?
Let’s use the example of a child’s birthday party. If the idea of a trampoline park party with the class leaves you feeling dread, reflect on that discomfort, recognize your child’s excitement and disappointment if you do not choose to celebrate in the way they want (rupture). Then, choose a celebration that honors your limits and their wants. Talk to your child in an age-appropriate way about it (repair). Or maybe your child really wants a specific dinner, and you are bone tired and sticking with chicken nuggets. Reflect, recognize, rupture, repair. Your child wants you to read another book. You just read five books and are taking a break. Reflect, recognize, rupture, repair.
“Every time there's a disconnect between your needs and your child’s needs, there is this important toggling back and forth between reflecting on yourself while recognizing your child,” says Cotler.
Engage in fantasy or daydreaming
“Fantasy is where meaning is,” says Cotler. “It’s where we come alive.” Yet, when was the last time you let yourself sit around daydreaming or fantasizing? Sometimes, fantasies or daydreams can feel wrong—selfish or arrogant—but Cotler says it’s worth making space for them. Take note of what comes up. It’s not about whether your dreams or longings are practical—it’s about listening to what they reveal about any deeper values or desires. Look for themes—your desire to make an impact, creativity, rest, or autonomy—and jot them down. They matter.
Create some space
“Many of us engage in behaviors to actively ensure that we do not feel whatever we're feeling,” says Cotler. (Just think about how often you reach for your phone in rare moments of stillness.) If you find yourself with a quiet moment, reflect on what you’re feeling. “Space is actually metaphorical. In many ways, it's permission not to shut down what’s inside of you, but instead notice when it comes.”
Be a little artistic
Journaling or drawing can help you access desire, too. Ask yourself where you want to be in five years or what brings you the most peace. Think back, too: We all had dreams growing up. Some of them still tug at us.
Understand desire’s deeper importance
If desire ever feels superfluous or selfish, Cotler points to psychoanalysis Carl Jung’s words: “The greatest burden on a child is a life unlived of the parent.” Children don’t just mimic what we do; they feel what we feel, she says. When you’re disconnected from your “aliveness”—even if you appear to be “doing everything right”—that models detachment. Says Cotler: “Your child maps their inner world to yours. If they feel you’re alive, they feel permission to feel alive.” ♡
Infant feeding company Bobbie just launched free lactation services for moms
Breastfeeding, formula, a mix of both—there are lots of ways to feed your baby, and lots of mixed messages around how you “should” feed your baby. Now, in partnership with NAPS’ team of International Board Certified Lactation Consultants (IBCLCs), registered nurses, nurse practitioners, and moms, a new groundbreaking educational hub called The Feeding Room by Bobbie is providing expert-led feeding support for all feeding journeys—breast, bottle, or both—and supporting your desire to feed your baby the way you want to.
The Feeding Room will include small group Q&A sessions with IBCLCs, an on-demand video library, topic-specific webinars (everything from sleep schedules to baby-led weaning), and a month of free NAPS membership (with 24/7 text-based support from registered nurses). It’s available to all parents, whether you’re a Bobbie customer or not.
“Navigating feeding in year one of parenthood is one of the most vulnerable, daunting experiences imaginable. It’s why I founded Bobbie in the first place—when I couldn’t find an infant formula I trusted, I created it. Fast forward to today—when we couldn’t find the supportive combo-feeding education we wanted as parents ourselves, we created it alongside those who know best, IBCLCs,” said Laura Modi, CEO and co-founder of Bobbie. “As a company founded and led by moms, we are developing the resources, tools, and ‘village’ we wish we had—it’s something all parents deserve, and while it’s an industry first, it absolutely shouldn’t be. There’s nothing controversial about meeting parents in their reality.”
» Check out The Feeding Room here.*
✨ Thanks for reading & thank you for supporting this work (done between naps, after bedtimes, and before school pickups). Hit the heart button to tell us you enjoyed this issue, share it on social media (don’t forget to tag @twotruthsmotherhood on IG), or forward it to a friend. We appreciate you. —Cassie and Kelsey
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Resources and Support For Maternal Mental Health
Emergency assistance is available 24/7 at 911
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 988
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-TLC-MAMA or 1-833-852-6262) provides access to a trained counselor 24/7 and is available in Spanish and English
Postpartum Support International provides educational resources on PMADs, free support groups, webinars, advanced trainings for providers, and more
Postpartum Support International’s provider directory includes a list of thousands of trained professionals organized by state
The Motherhood Center offers counseling, support groups, and webinars
The Postpartum Stress Center offers educational resources, counseling, a referral list of trained providers, and advanced training for providers
SUPPORT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WITH POSTPARTUM SUPPORT INTERNATIONAL (PSI). PSI is a global champion for perinatal mental health that connects individuals and families to the resources and support needed to give them the strongest and healthiest start possible. Visit postpartum.net for information on perinatal mental health disorders, access to 30+ free, online support groups, an online provider directory, the PSI HelpLine, local support coordinators, a perinatal mental health discussion tool, specialized support resources, and more. Call the PSI HelpLine toll-free at 1-800-944-4773 for basic information, support, and resources. Support via text message is also available at 800-944-4773 (English) and 971-203-2773 (Español). Remember: You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.